The party is finally freed from the mind prison of the Guildmaster.
Guildmaster Deckard lays his stony gaze upon the party for what feels like eternity, then cracks a friendly smile and walks up to the party. He walks to Martyr.
“You! What an amazing display of faith that was, facing such a menacing foe.”
He walks to Heywood, “To be able to punch the very air itself… it is a feat that must be seen to believe.”
Then to Hargle, “You…. are a capable druid, though singular indeed.”
He places a bag of [250 gold pieces] in the hands of the bard, on behalf of the entire party.
Bartimaeus scoffs, “Look at the state of this motley crew… you could hardly put a price tag on the sacrifices we've made. This poor soul,” he gestures to Heywood, “Aged a full 25 years by unnatural means in this journey!”
He fails to mention that the Cleric of Aven-Torra already remedied this affliction.
The old man scratches a giant louse out of his beard and returns to his desk. He produces a second sack of [250 gold pieces].
…
*Bartimaeus invests all his coin in the Fantasy 500*
Hargle uses his superior intuition to find the most magical item in the lair, and picks up a small leather bag. It is filled with… beans. [Bag of Magic Beans] “Ah yes, the magic beans… I suggest not planting them within city limits.”
There are many other magical wares for the party to choose from.
* Potion of the Ethereal * elixir of health * potion of superior healing * Bag of Holding * Potion of Hill Giant Strength * potion of Animal Friendship * sticky grease oil * potion of poison * potion of growth * scroll of fireball * rope of climbing (cool) * boots of striding
Ratfink immediately chugs the potion of growth, getting fat fucking tits and fatter boils.
heywood picks [Potion of Animal Friendship] hargle picks [Bag of Beans] ratfink picks [Love Potion] bartimaeus picks [Lantern of Revealing] martyr picks [Immovable Rod]
…
Guildmaster Deckard addresses the party again, “You must grow stronger, for there is much left to be done and it will only grow more difficult. Make your way to the second floor of the labyrinth where a dangerous beast awaits.”
Bartimaeus tries to inspect the delicate old boner of the Guildmaster, but the folds within his dusty robes leave only to the imagination.
Heywood is actually just eating some fucking cheetos, party sized.
Bartimaeus touches Ratfink and invokes boner.
Guildmaster Deckard looks unbearably wearied, understanding that he is sending these short-bus adventurers to an early grave.
A giant Bigby's magic hand throws the party out of the musty office, they land face-firsts on the pavement. It is very late at night.
…
Enter Guildhall Tavern
Heywood smashes a fist on the table, “I would like a stiff drink please, hold the stiff.”
“Yeah man we got drinks” Says the bartender, gesturing proudly at a wall of craft brews.
Heywood buys a full bottle of dwarven fire water.
Hargle asks for mushroom wine, the bartender strokes his well-kempt beard. He pulls a dark brooding bottle from the back of the bar, it is an opaque and viscous fluid. [Alterian fungal whiskey] Hargle chugs it in one fluid motion and immediately becomes immobile.
Bartimaeus & Marisha
Bartimaeus goes to meet with Marisha, a lady with a fine figure. At the address provided, she meets him at the door in her lace night-gown. “Please, come in!” She says, they both enter the living room. Bartimaeus sits on the far side of the couch, stiff as a board (in more ways than one). Some awkward small-talk ensues.
The lady strokes his leg, hardening his bard boner. The scene fades to black.
Back to tavern
Martyr looks for the cheapest booze, but is not frugal enough to drink dwarven piss. He gets a glass of White Dragonclaw.
Ratfink stumbles into the tavern, then stares with mouth agape at a large puddle of stagnant water in the corner of the bar, runoff from washing the tankards. The barkeep sees him go tongue-first. “You all have a weird dog.”
[passive perception check]
Martyr notices someone suspicious coming near his drink and pulls it aside.
As the party boozes up, ratfink nuzzles against them, all but Martyr are charmed.
*ratfink seems to have shared his potion of love*
Heywood moans. The bartender kicks them onto the street.
Hargle leans against Heywood and discusses plans to found a bar, “The Cranked Fink”
Billick, the innkeeper of the Slaughtered Cow, comes to the aid of the drunken delinquents. With the exception of Bartimaeus, who is elsewhere, they all crawl into bed with ratfink. Ratfink slips away a single bean from Hargle.
`Long rest, the party is restored`
Hargle asks about Martyrs best scar, “This one here, given to me when I was a squire for Lord Tyrian, one day when we were practicing a tree impaled me through the gut. It didn't leave a scar though, so it doesn't fit this question.”
Martyr asks Bartimaeus, if he were to be a villain, what would be his evil plan: “I would breed humans to be blonde haired, blue eyed, and to be pretty good at industrial manufacturing.”
Bartimaeus asks Hargle the fuck, marry, kill question: “Fuck heywood, marry heywood, and kill myself the same night. The perfect tragedy.”
Ratfink asks Heywood what crime he could commit if he could get away with it, “I would jerk it big and hard in public alongside you, my friend, Ratfink.”
Heywood asks Bartimaues what the most challenging opponent is that he has ever faced, “I'm a lover, not a fighter. Therefore it would be boner plague.”
Martyr is asked what he would do if he wasn't with the church, “I'd go home.”
Hargle is asked what associate he has always admired but would never join, “The stonecutters guild… I have butter-fingers, sadly. Can't hold the chisel well.”
Martyr is asked what the strangest food he has eaten was, “Prepared blowfish. I might die if I eat it again, so I would like to.”
Long rest ended
The party heads toward the dungeon at the center of the Guildhall campus.
The Labyrinthian city of Trystram has the dungeon at the heart of it. The markets within are a treasure trove for dubious and mystical trinkets.
The party comes to “The Dragon's Hoard”, a store made from an inverted ship. There are many tables and shelves carrying a variety of potent and rare artifacts.
Upon entering, there is a five foot tall dargonborn richly ornated with various precious stones and iridescent robes. There are many beads hanging from his horns.
* Dagger of Impending Sense of Doom : 450 Gold
Martyr takes out the ritual sword of his practice, and attempts to strike a deal with the shopkeep.
Hargle attempts to swap out the [dagger of impending doom] with the [mundane jewel dagger]. `nat 1`
The shopkeeper takes them to the second floor with more luxurious goods.
* Magic hammers
Heywood gets a [Mace +1] for [160 Gold]
The shopkeeper takes them to a rack of jewelry, Ratfink tries to pull a fast one and purchase a mundane pair of earrings which are quickly swapped for a magical artifact. Ratfink pays 25 gold for mundane earrings, but actually pockets [The Earrings of Speaking].
Hargle buys a cute necklace of a toadstool for [10 Gold].
The party leaves the Dragon's Hoard, much to the relief of the shopkeeper. Ratfink pries open the box of earrings, but they appear to have been swapped again with mundane earrings. There is a small note underneath, “No funny business in my shop :)”
Heywood hears a faint “Help!” coming from the alleys, the party investigates. They seem like a maze, eventually the party sees a small figure fifteen feet away, weeping and talks of missing their parents.
As the party approaches they notice the child seems a bit large…
*It's literally just a bandit.*
Begin Combat
The bandit fires a crossbow bolt at Heywood, it glances off his bracers without a scratch.
“You asked a lot of odd questions in the wrong places, now I'll have your life.”
Heywood, excited to test out the brand new mace, runs up to the bandit and swings fiercely at him, narrowly misses, yet without skipping a beat he lands two punches squarely against the bandit.
Ratfink notices the sound of footsteps coming from behind, two bandits attempt to stab him but only one is successful. As soon as the knife hits the flesh of Ratfink, it's tentacle rises into the air and makes a horrific guttural sound. It then spews fire toward the bandit, burning them. Ratfink then lunges at the bandit and knocks them on the ground.
A bandit throws a dagger at Hargle, tearing off a thin layer of spores from the shoulder. Reflexively, a noxious cloud of spores shoots at the bandit and slightly chokes them.
Martyr kicks a bandit onto the ground and leaves them prone. He then places a hand on another bandit and creates some infectious wounds upon the flesh. “I need you to rot.” He whispers into the bandits ear, the latter promptly begins to dissolve into open wounds until only a puddle of human matter remains.
Hargle attempts to infest the healthier remaining bandit, but fails. He then just shoves the bandit on the ground instead.
The bandit, about to take a step, is nearly hit by a cloud of spores from the smelly dwarf, but is unscathed. In response he swings a short sword at Hargle but misses so badly that he knocks himself back onto the ground.
Heywood launches a series of punches against one of the bandits, lightly battering him. He grapples the bandit onto the ground.
Ratfink puts a tentacle into the mouth of the bandit, producing an eldritch blast from the appendage, and sends the bandit flying down the alleyway.
Martyr tries and fails to kill the ringleader with inflict wounds.
Hargle uses dissonant whisper, mildly tearing his mind apart as he attempts to flee. As he tries to run, Heywood attempts to take advantage and hit him with a mace, but misses.
The bandit stops about thirty feet away and readies a crossbow, shooting at Heywood. Heywood manages to snare the projectile just before it buried in his neck. Instead it only scratched, drawing a small amount of blood.
Heywood responds by swinging at the ringleader and barely scathing him.
The ringleader places a hand upon Heywood and opens up multiple deep wounds as Heywood barely remains conscious.
Ratfink blasts the other battered bandit again, dealing almost no damage but blasting him several feet away.
Hargle chokes the ringleader with a halo of spores, attempts to hit him with the slingshot but misses, and finally whispers some encouragement to Heywood.
The ringleader, in response to this spree of spellcraft, launches a bolt against Hargle. All the remaining spores are torn away and the bolt buries into the flesh.
Heywood cracks a mace against the lesser bandit and cracks his skull open like a melon, likely killing him in the process.
Martyr touches the ringleader and dissolves him entirely into soup. The jaw is separated from the skull while the rest of the body becomes a human liquid.
Hargle addresses the dead audience, “That's what you get for messing with the heartbreakers!” Then he passionately kisses Ratfink with tongue.
End Combat
Heywood searches the corpses, finding a note stating that “They have spoken of too much and must be removed”
Hargle finds [10 Gold] and a tiny scrap of grass.